At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
