I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
