He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Randomize
