so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
