DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
