it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize