You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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