wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
