im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
