if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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