I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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