So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
