I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
