I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
