Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
