i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
