So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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