If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
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