i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
