the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
