This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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