I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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