Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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