I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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