i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
How naked do you want me to be?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
