I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
two words...techno handjob
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
