I murdered the dance floor call the cops
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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