So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Also, beer. Big fan.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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