After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
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