wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
