operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
