Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
