Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
