I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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