He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
