I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
