Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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