the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
