I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
The air taste purple.
Randomize
