I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Randomize
