I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Be still, my beating vagina.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
