seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
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