I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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