My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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