I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
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