did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
grandma shit on top of the toilet
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
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