After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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