I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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