If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
