hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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