The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
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