I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
