The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
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