Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
