DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
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