it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
