her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
