there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
