If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
