Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
a search helicopter?!
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
