You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
